Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Was preparing to lash out everything on this post when I receive an sms from someone.... Unexpected though....really tempted not to reply, but out of respect, I did.

Realised "N" and I had something in common, we tend to write longer entries when we are upset. Actually, most of the time. she blogs only when she is upset, to 发泄.

Was telling gor this morning that I wanna be more independent, wanna settle the probs by myself,dun wanna to burnt my friends ears with my whinings but i was actually tearing when seeing him wrote (on msn) " can see u are getting stronger and more independent" and " u have **** parents but lots of good friends".

我想 我并不是变得坚强,
而是学会把心事隐藏......
渐渐地 围起了一座墙
扮个笑脸 假装一切很正常


but there are times where i can't stand it anynore, can't pretend to be strong anymore. 忍太久, 总有一天会爆. Just like a fully-pumped balloon, at the slightest touch, it will burst.....
and that was what happened yest. evening.....

Actually was feeling a bit better before I return home. But some unhappy events happened at home again.

When I was putting back my shoes in the shoes cabinet, saw the receipt of the monthly newspaper subscription. Seems like someone had help to pay while I was away. Was thinking to question who pay for it after I had settled down (as in having dinner, taking a bath), then asked if I can pay back 2moro as I dun have that much case in my wallet.


Yet, when I start reading the newspaper, my mum was like shouting, screaming from the kitchen. Scolding me for no reason. Scolding me for reading newspaper. I was thought that she had gone crazy again.. Hey! I paid for the subscription, why can’t I be reading it. I kept quiet but she had gone crazier. Then I remembered that she only cares abt money and then guessed that the monthly newspaper subscription fee must be paid by her. Hey, it’s not as if I am not going to pay her back nor never give her any money! It’s just that I dun have that much cash in my wallet then yet she can’t wait. So no choice, I had to pry open my piggy bank, took out whatever notes I have then and give her the money.

And u know what. She stopped scolding then! Let me read my newspaper in peace after getting back the money.

To think a mum would behave like a 吃角机!


I hate her behavior--- her love for money . What am I? I am just a money making machine to her!

Did she care abt how serious my gastric probs is? She will only scold me for wasting money if I went to see doc. I remembered once I was in such great pain that I had to be sent to hospital and ppl called up my parents despite me telling them not to do so. I rather dun let them know then having them to see me then they coming, putting up a show, then when the rest are gone, she will scold me for being so troublesome.
I still remembered the scene at the hospital when I was discharged from A&E as it was getting too crowded, yet when asked to make payment, she simply just sit at the waiting corner, watching TV while I had to struggle to walk to the payment counter and took out my wallet to pay for the bill. On the way home, I threw up whatever medicine the nurses fed me, I didn’t want to have any dinner for fear of throwing up again. Yet was scolded for wasting her $ on the dinner she had bought.

Did she ever care when I had those breathing attacks and can lead to death if I did not manage to regulate back the breathing patterns? K was asking me abt my health probs especially regarding this matter and L also asked if I had any attacks recently. They are only my friends, yet they show more concern than my parents.

Gor was right in saying I had a lot of good friends whom make up for my difficult parents.

To L ( I dunno when u are going to read this as u r busy these days): I dunno if I had ever say thank you to you for staying by my side at the observation ward when I had that attack years ago. It should be a parent’s duty, not yrs. Always made u stressed and worried when I have those attacks.
But dun worry abt me now, cos I am trying to prevent these attacks from happening again. Quite dangerous if it happens as the friends around me do not know what to do. Choy choy, touch wood!

*************
边写边流泪, 写到这, 心情好了些……

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